Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Uncanny X-Men: A Summary

This is what I got from Uncanny 523:

At a random mini-mart:

Cable:  *robs the store, like the hero he is*

Hope, the much-heralded savior of the mutant race:  *stares raptly at haircare products*

Cable:  *has a fit*


Logan: *Interrogates Purity guy really badly*

Kurt:  *flails around in shock*  OMG!!  Logan kills people??  How can this be?  All this time, I never knew!

Logan: *kills Purity guy gratuitously to send Kurt into an epileptic fit of flailing* Yup.

Kurt:  *continues having an confusing and self-righteous hissy fit*  How can Scott allow Logan to kill people??  People who are trying to kill us!  This is horrifying!!

Betsy:  As a former STRIKE agent and pseudo-Asian assissian, I too find it abhorrent and shocking that Logan is killing people!

Kurt (in his new role as X-Men Bridezilla):  Hank was right!  Scott has betrayed us!  Somehow!  And Logan is still killing people!  I quit!

Peter (as the sole voice of reason, god help us all):  Uh...erm...shouldn't we deal with the people trying to kill Us and the sole hope for mutant salvation first?  Maybe?

Kurt:  ...oh yeah.  Let's go save this years designated whiny, overpowered redhead!  But only after I talk to Scott about Logan killing people.

Meanwhile, back at Utopia...

Emma:  *is somehow perplexed that a team containing Logan, X-23, Magik, Colossus, Psylocke and Death!Angel is radiating extreme violence*

Scott:  Uh-oh, Kurt's pissed at me because he found out Logan kills people.

Emma:  ....

Emma:  Suck it up.

Scott:  *is shocked speechless by Emma's unexpectedly IC moment of total non-sympathy, much like the rest of Matt Fraction's readership at this point*

Over at the local Motel 6...

Cable:  My giant metal arm and I will be totally inconspicuous, especially checking in with this underage, whiny redhead.

Hope, the salvation of mutant-kind:  *jumps on the bed like a 3 yr old*  Wheee!

Cable:  Yep. Totally inconspicuous.  *proceeds to find the X-Men in the yellow pages while Hope grazes from the mini-fridge like a hyena*

And, over at the secret villain hideout:

Bastion:  By my sheer genius and amazingly confusing tracking abilities which are apparently supposed to be cool, I have found Cable!  Also, the Motel 6 is getting tons of complaints about the girl making enough noise to set off the San Andreas fault.  Go kill them!

Stryker and a bunch of Purity guys:  *attempt to be intimidating, but still look pretty lame, even with Stryker having his own shiny metal arm*

Back at the Motel 6, in probably the strangest and most inexplicably disturbing scene I've ever witnessed in an X-Men comic:

Cable:  Here, Hope.  Have some haircare products that you were previously mesmerized by while we were robbing the mini-mart, terrorizing innocent civilians, and possibly killing some of the local law enforcement.

Hope, wrapped only in a towel and getting out of the shower:  *goes into spasms of ecstasy over a brush, comb, and plastic hairbows and runs squealing to do her hair*

Motel 6:  *is inevitably attacked by the bad guys*

Hope, looking way, way too much like young, 616 Jean Grey for anyone's comfort in this situation:  OMG!  Does my hair look ok??

I'm not even sure why I'm reading this anymore, aside from the fact it's sort of like a train wreck.  It's too horrible to look away from.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 9th, 2010 10:51 pm (UTC)
You keep reading because that way you can do summaries like this for me. That way I don't have to read, but I still get to laugh!
Apr. 11th, 2010 01:05 pm (UTC)
Whaaaaaaaat the Heeeeeeeeeeell... I am so glad I stopped reading Uncanny now. o_O
Apr. 11th, 2010 03:24 pm (UTC)
If I can save anyone else from having to actually read this horror, my job here is done. Seriously, I have no clue what this whole thing is even about anymore and I've been reading it the entire time. It's like some sort of performance art piece where random, unrelated scenes are thrown together, only really badly done.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )